Just about everyone has a specific song that when they hear it, they teleport back however many years, back to that memory they tie it to. Whether it takes you to a summer night at the beach, spending time with friends or family, or, hell — even that one night you never forgot. There’s that song we can sit down and reminisce, possibly wanting to go back, just live it all again.

Have there been a time you heard a song for the first time and it still gave you that same nostalgic feeling as described above?

A few days ago, when I was taking my dog Chance out for his afternoon walk, I listened to the curated playlist that Apple Music had created for me. Usually, when I’m out there with Chance, I daydream and zone out while listening to music. Now this time, a song came on that I had never heard of before, but for some reason, it gave me this sense of familiarity I have felt throughout the years.

This song brought me to a familiar feeling when I used to play video games and my character would be exploring a fictional town in that game. Usually in a game, they have their game soundtrack playing as background noise, and this song gave the vibes of a small, fantasy-like town, where you can explore and collect quests. It brought me a feeling of joy from the times I remember playing those kind of games. But it also felt the opposite, a spoiled time in my life that had left a sour taste.

While I miss playing video games, I quickly reminded myself of how glued I was to them. I would spend countless hours sitting on my couch, only moving my thumbs to interact with the controller. Catching the dopamine (how my therapist considered it) of playing games, I realized the state that I was in, now looking back at it.

It was a mentally toxic state.

Some days were pretty bad. I only wanted my free time to be spent playing games, and I was okay with not spending it with my now-wife, Yessica. There have been weekends that she would spend her days in the other room in our apartment while I sat on my couch, completely glued to my video games. Once I finished playing and it was time to call it a night, she would already be asleep because I wouldn’t come to bed until late, and I was done playing. To make matters worse, most of the time I would do it all over again the very next day (depending on the situation). I lived through the lives of video game stories, I wasn’t paying attention to the ones around me.

My lack of being a partner for her was awful; I didn’t make much effort to set a date day or night together. I felt very comfortable in the situation we were in, too comfortable that I was oblivious to how lonely she had felt throughout all of this. All the while I sat on the couch, keeping a list of games I needed to beat and the ones I did.

How lonely and miserable she felt because of my time playing games took a nostalgic feeling from the music and turned it into a reminder of just how much I have changed since then.

It was about two years ago when I decided to start writing again and seek a therapist. I wanted to talk to a therapist about my future and how I wanted to get more comfortable with writing. It wasn’t until that first session and forward, that I started playing less and less video games. Something I wasn’t looking for with a therapist, but I came out with that at the end of it al all. Now, I don’t play video games all that much. If it were not for my get-together with some friends, it’d probably be weeks or months of them being untouched.

This song reminded me of what I am so glad not to have lost in the relationship and how I have made it better by putting my selfish acts away to focus more on my family. By realizing the problem it had become, I saw how much my wife and I spent together, happy, because of less time playing and more with each other. And there will be many more times when a song comes up in my life that takes me back to a moment of happiness and a time of learning like this one did. For now, this memory has been a lesson I have learned too well.